The Unfair Advantage of Asymmetric Responsibility
The Antidote to an Age of Blame
You feel it in your bones. An ache of exhaustion that sleep can’t fix. A quiet dread when you look at the news. A constant, grinding stress that comes from feeling trapped in a game where the dice are loaded.1 Whether it’s in a toxic workplace where blame is passed around like a hot potato, a political landscape mired in performative outrage, or a personal relationship stuck in a loop of mutual recrimination, the result is the same: a profound sense of powerlessness.
Our modern era is suffering from an epidemic of blame. Blame is psychologically seductive; it offers a simple story with a clear villain, and it absolves us of the difficult, messy work of actually changing things. But this seductive comfort is a trap. Blame is the engine of stagnation. It creates a doom loop where problems are never solved, only assigned, leaving us all feeling exhausted and cynical.
But what if there were a way out? What if the key to unlocking progress and reclaiming your own power was not to correctly assign blame, but to deliberately short-circuit it? There is such a key. It is a principle defined as: ‘The radical act of taking more than your share of the responsibility for the state of any relationship or system, especially when in a position of power. It is the antidote to blame and the engine of progress.’
This idea may sound like a heavy burden. In a world that already feels unfair, why would anyone volunteer to take on more than their share? The answer is that this principle is not a moral sacrifice; it is a strategic, almost unfair, advantage for those who understand and practice it. It is the master key that unlocks agency, de-escalates conflict, and initiates change while everyone else remains stuck in the mud.
The Psychology of Agency
To wield this advantage, we must first understand its components. The concept of Asymmetric Responsibility is a precision tool, and each part of its definition is critical.
The Power of a Reframe
The phrase "taking more than your share of the responsibility" does not mean accepting blame for things you didn't do. It is not about confessing to crimes you didn't commit. Instead, it is about taking 100% ownership of your capacity to respond to the current state of affairs, regardless of who or what created it.(2) This subtle but profound reframe shifts your focus from the unchangeable past (who is to blame) to the actionable present (what can be done).
This responsibility is "for the state of any relationship or system." This broadens the lens from individual fault-finding to a more holistic, systems-thinking perspective.(3) The goal is not to win an argument or prove another person wrong; the goal is to improve the health of the entire system, be it a marriage, a team, or a community. It recognizes that in any interconnected system, from a family to a global economy, dysfunction is rarely the fault of a single part; it is a product of the patterns and relationships between all the parts.(5)
Finally, the principle singles out those "especially when in a position of power." This is a crucial ethical anchor. As the foundational texts of this movement explain, power is a "moral multiplier".(2) The more knowledge, resources, status, or influence a person or institution possesses, the heavier their ethical load becomes. Their actions create wider ripples, and therefore, their responsibility for the consequence of those actions is proportionately greater.(2) To pretend that a CEO and a frontline worker bear equal responsibility for a company's toxic culture is a convenient fiction that serves only the powerful.
The Engine of Agency: Locus of Control
This principle is not just a philosophical preference; it is grounded in one of the most well-established concepts in modern psychology: Locus of Control.(8) First developed by psychologist Julian Rotter in the 1950s, this concept describes the degree to which people believe they have control over the outcomes of events in their lives.(9)
An External Locus of Control is the belief that one's life is governed by outside forces, luck, fate, or powerful others.(10) This is the psychological soil in which blame, resentment, and victimhood grow. When you believe the game is rigged and you have no power, you are left with only one move: to point fingers at the forces you believe are controlling you.(9)
An Internal Locus of Control, by contrast, is the belief that you have control over your own actions and, by extension, their outcomes.(12) People with a strong internal locus of control are more likely to take personal responsibility for their behavior, see challenges as opportunities for growth, and feel a powerful sense of personal agency.(8)
Asymmetric Responsibility is the active, conscious practice of cultivating an internal locus of control. It is a deliberate choice to see yourself as a causal agent in the world, not as a passive object being acted upon. This is precisely why it is the "engine of progress."
The political and economic systems described as the "American Oligarchy" thrive by making citizens feel anxious, divided, and powerless, that the system is rigged and their voice is statistically irrelevant.(1) This environment is expertly designed to foster an external locus of control. When people feel that their lives are dictated by vast, unseen forces, they are more likely to succumb to blame (of immigrants, of political opponents, of "elites") and a sense of learned helplessness. This division and paralysis prevent the formation of a unified front that could challenge the actual sources of power.(14)
The radical act of taking asymmetric responsibility directly short-circuits this psychological manipulation. By choosing to adopt an internal locus of control, by deciding to take ownership of your response to the system's state, you reclaim the very agency the system is designed to extinguish. This makes the practice not merely an act of personal virtue, but a foundational act of political and psychological resistance.
The Systems of Our Lives
The most immediate and powerful laboratory for practicing Asymmetric Responsibility is in our most intimate connections: our friendships, our families, and our romantic partnerships. It is here that the corrosive effects of blame are most painful, and where the liberating power of this principle can be most quickly felt.
The Blame Game in Family Systems
Family Systems Theory, developed by psychiatrist Murray Bowen, teaches us that families are complex emotional units.(6) Dysfunction is rarely caused by a single "problem person" but is maintained by predictable, often unspoken, patterns of interaction that the whole family participates in.(3) One of the most common of these patterns is the creation of a "scapegoat".(6) The family unconsciously assigns one member the blame for the entire system's anxiety and conflict, allowing everyone else to avoid looking at their own contributions to the problem.(7) The scapegoat takes on the asymmetric blame, so no one has to take on the asymmetric responsibility.
This dynamic plays out in countless relationships. Consider a couple trapped in a recurring fight about finances. Partner A blames Partner B for being a "spendthrift," while Partner B blames Partner A for being a "controlling miser." They are locked in a cycle of accusation and defense. The state of the system, their financial health and communication, is broken, but they are so focused on assigning blame that they are powerless to fix it.
The Asymmetric Intervention
Now, imagine one partner decides to apply the principle. They stop playing the blame game and instead take asymmetric responsibility for the state of the system. They might say:
"The way we talk about money is clearly not working. It's causing both of us pain, and our financial health as a couple is suffering. I am taking responsibility for my part in this pattern. When I feel anxious about our budget, I become critical and controlling, which I know makes you feel attacked and want to shut down. That's my contribution to this broken system. This week, I am going to try a different approach. I am going to focus on acknowledging our shared goals before I bring up any specific expenses."
This is a revolutionary act. It does not accept blame for the whole problem ("It's all my fault"). It accepts responsibility for one's own behavior and for initiating a change in the pattern. This intervention instantly de-escalates the conflict, models accountability, and invites the other partner into a problem-solving frame rather than a defensive one. It is a practical application of the principles of ethical repair: seeing the problem clearly, understanding one's role in it, and acting to change the conditions that allow it to persist.(2)
This practice is more than just a relationship hack; it is a form of neural training for larger-scale change. The source material for our movement emphasizes that societal transformation is built "one conversation, one connection, one community at a time".(14) Navigating these difficult conversations requires overcoming the brain's natural fight-or-flight response, what is described as the "emotional hijack".(14) When you practice Asymmetric Responsibility in a low-stakes argument with a partner, choosing accountability over defensiveness, empathy over blame, you are physically strengthening the neural pathways in your prefrontal cortex that are responsible for emotional self-regulation and cognitive empathy. You are building the psychological muscle required for the much harder work of corporate or political change. The personal is the training ground for the political.
The Character of Power as a Corporate Test
The corporate world provides a high-stakes laboratory where the power of Asymmetric Responsibility is revealed in stark relief. A crisis does not build a leader's character; it reveals it. The history of business is filled with tales of leaders who chose blame and evasion, and the rare few who chose radical responsibility, often with dramatically different results.
Johnson & Johnson's Tylenol Recall
In the fall of 1982, Johnson & Johnson faced an unimaginable crisis. Seven people in the Chicago area died after ingesting Tylenol capsules that had been maliciously laced with cyanide.(15) Tylenol was the company's most profitable product, accounting for nearly 19% of its corporate profits.(15) The police quickly determined the tampering was external; it happened after the product was on store shelves, meaning J&J was legally blameless.(17)
The company could have chosen a limited, defensive response. They could have blamed the unknown perpetrator, localized the problem to Chicago, and fought to limit their financial liability. Instead, under the leadership of Chairman James Burke, the company asked a different question: "How do we protect the people?".(18)
This question led to one of the most stunning displays of Asymmetric Responsibility in corporate history. J&J took on the full responsibility for the state of public safety related to its product category. They immediately issued national warnings, stopped all production and advertising, and recalled every single bottle of Tylenol from every shelf in America, 31 million bottles at a cost of over $100 million (over $326 million today).(15)
The outcome was a strategic masterstroke born of ethical clarity. The public saw J&J not as a culprit, but as a protector. The company not only regained its market share within a year but also worked with the FDA to pioneer triple-sealed, tamper-proof packaging, fundamentally improving the safety of the entire over-the-counter drug industry.(16) Their radical act of responsibility became their greatest asset.
The Architecture of Evasion
Contrast this with the all-too-common response of blame-shifting. During the catastrophic 2010 Deepwater Horizon oil spill, BP's CEO Tony Hayward famously complained, "I want my life back," and attempted to spread blame to his corporate partners.(20) Similarly, during the "Dieselgate" scandal, Volkswagen executives initially denied a systemic, deliberate effort to cheat on emissions tests.(21) In these cases, the leaders took responsibility only for their own comfort and the company's short-term liability, not for the state of the environmental or public trust systems they had damaged. The result was a catastrophic loss of trust and staggering long-term costs.
Patagonia's Proactive Responsibility
A handful of modern companies have moved beyond crisis response and embedded Asymmetric Responsibility into their very business model. Patagonia is a prime example. The company proactively takes on a disproportionate share of responsibility for the systemic problems of the apparel industry, from labor practices to environmental impact.(22) They openly acknowledge the harm their industry causes and implement radical initiatives like a self-imposed 1% "Earth tax" and their famous "Don't Buy This Jacket" ad campaign, which encouraged customers to consume less.(23) This is not a crisis response; it is a philosophy of proactive stewardship.
These examples clearly illustrate different models of leadership. The actions of Johnson & Johnson and Patagonia embody the principles of Servant Leadership, which prioritizes the well-being of others, and Transformational Leadership, which takes ownership to inspire systemic change.(25) The leaders who evaded responsibility failed on both counts. The contrast is stark. Johnson & Johnson's practice of Asymmetric Responsibility was defined by the core question, "How do we protect the people?"(18) This led to a nationwide recall of 31 million bottles, proactive public warnings, and 1-800 hotlines, ultimately resulting in improved industry safety standards.(15) Conversely, the leaders at BP and Volkswagen operated from a place of responsibility evasion, asking, "How do we limit liability/blame?"(20) Their actions involved downplaying the scope of their crises and blaming partners, while their communication was marked by insensitive comments and initial denials, leading to eroded public trust and massive fines.(20) Finally, Patagonia's model of proactive stewardship is guided by the question, "How can our business protect nature?"(24) This philosophy is demonstrated by actions like their self-imposed global environmental tax and their famous "Don't Buy This Jacket" campaign, creating new models for corporate responsibility.(23)
As the evidence shows, Asymmetric Responsibility is not just morally superior; in the long run, it is strategically more intelligent and effective.
The Societal Imperative
The principle of Asymmetric Responsibility scales from the personal and corporate to the societal. All meaningful social and political progress is driven by it. Change does not happen when everyone magically agrees to do their "fair share" of the work. It happens when a committed individual or a small group decides to take on a disproportionate share of the burden of changing a broken system.
The People's Advantage
In 2016, a 26-year-old Michigan woman named Katie Fahey, frustrated with a political system she saw as rigged, posted a simple message on Facebook: "I'd like to take on gerrymandering in Michigan. If you're interested in doing this as well, please let me know".(1) She didn't wait for a politician or a powerful institution to act. She, along with the thousands of ordinary citizens who formed the group "Voters Not Politicians," took on the asymmetric responsibility of fixing a system that the powerful had no incentive to change. They faced down millions of dollars in opposition from dark-money groups and successfully amended their state's constitution to create fair, non-partisan electoral maps.(1) They took more than their share of responsibility for the health of their democracy.
Similarly, when Amazon warehouse worker Chris Smalls was fired in 2020 for organizing a walkout over unsafe pandemic conditions, he didn't just look for another job.(1) He and his friend Derrick Palmer took on the seemingly impossible task of organizing their coworkers. They stood outside the warehouse gates day after day, slowly building a community where the corporation demanded only isolation. They took on the asymmetric responsibility for the dignity and well-being of thousands of their fellow workers. In 2022, against all odds and facing millions in anti-union spending from one of the world's most powerful companies, the Amazon Labor Union won its first election.(1)
The Titan of Responsibility - Nelson Mandela
Perhaps no life in modern history better embodies this principle than that of Nelson Mandela. He did not simply take responsibility for his own freedom; he took on the crushing weight of responsibility for liberating an entire nation from the systemic evil of apartheid.(29) He endured 27 years of brutal imprisonment, famously rejecting an offer of conditional release because he refused to compromise the integrity of the struggle.(29) He accepted a vastly disproportionate burden for the state of his country.
Crucially, his practice of Asymmetric Responsibility did not end when he gained power. As president, instead of seeking retribution against his former oppressors, an act of blame that many would have seen as justified, he took on the even more difficult responsibility of healing a fractured nation. He championed the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, a system designed for repair, not revenge, taking ownership of the future health of the entire societal system.(30)
This principle also provides a powerful and coherent framework for allies from privileged groups to engage in social justice work. The concept of "taking responsibility for the white collective," for example, is a direct application of Asymmetric Responsibility.(32) In this frame, white allies are not taking personal blame for being white; they are taking responsibility for the
state of the system of white supremacy and for the unearned advantages they hold within it.(33) Their privilege gives them an asymmetric responsibility to do the hard work of dismantling that system within their own communities and institutions, in an accountable relationship with marginalized groups.(32) This reframes allyship away from a paternalistic model of "helping the less fortunate" and toward a more powerful model of "cleaning up one's own house", an act of taking responsibility for a system from which one benefits.
The Privilege of Response
We began with the feeling of exhaustion and powerlessness that comes from living in a world of blame. The journey through the principle of Asymmetric Responsibility, from our most intimate relationships to the highest stakes of corporate and political leadership, reveals the path out. In every context, it is the radical act of taking disproportionate ownership that breaks stalemates, dissolves conflict, and creates forward motion.
It is natural to feel that this is an unfair burden. But this is to misunderstand the nature of power. The capacity to affect a system is not a weight to be dreaded, but a profound opportunity to shape reality. It is, as the philosophy of The Good Work describes it, the "privilege of response".(2) The same capability that creates your duty also creates your path to a life of purpose.
This is the ultimate unfair advantage of Asymmetric Responsibility. While others wait for the world to be fair, for blame to be correctly assigned, for someone else to act first, the person who practices this principle is already moving. They are learning, growing, and shaping the future. They are playing a different, more powerful, and more meaningful game.
You have influence. In your family, in your workplace, in your community, there is a system whose state you can affect. The invitation is to identify one such system in your life, stop waiting for someone else to fix it, and begin the radical, liberating work of taking more than your share of the responsibility for its future.
Works cited
02 - The Spark of Defiance - A Primer for the New American Resistance
01-The Good Work - A Guide to Living with Truth and Empathy
Systems Theory and Family Theories – Preparing for the Masters ASWB Exam, accessed August 14, 2025, https://umsystem.pressbooks.pub/aswbprep/chapter/systems-theory-and-family-theories/
Family Systems Theory, accessed August 14, 2025, https://web.pdx.edu/~cbcm/CFS410U/FamilySystemsTheory.pdf
Family systems theory | EBSCO Research Starters, accessed August 14, 2025, https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/health-and-medicine/family-systems-theory
Understanding Family Systems Theory: How Roles and Dynamics Shape Relationships, accessed August 14, 2025, https://www.allistonresolutions.com/post/understanding-family-systems-theory-how-roles-and-dynamics-shape-relationships
Introduction to the Eight Concepts , The Bowen Center for the ..., accessed August 14, 2025, https://www.thebowencenter.org/introduction-eight-concepts
Locus of Control Theory In Psychology: Internal vs External, accessed August 14, 2025, https://www.simplypsychology.org/locus-of-control.html
Locus of control - Wikipedia, accessed August 14, 2025, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_of_control
Locus of Control and Your Life - Verywell Mind, accessed August 14, 2025, https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-locus-of-control-2795434
Personal Control and Responsibility, accessed August 14, 2025, https://www2.cortland.edu/offices/advisement-and-transition/pdfs/personal-pdfs/personalcontrol.pdf?language_id=1
Internal vs External Locus of Control: 7 Examples & Theories - Positive Psychology, accessed August 14, 2025, https://positivepsychology.com/internal-external-locus-of-control/
Locus of Control | Psychology Today, accessed August 14, 2025, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/locus-of-control
03-The Good Work - Field Edition - A Manual for the New American Resistance
1982 Tylenol crisis, accessed August 14, 2025, https://www.ou.edu/deptcomm/dodjcc/groups/02C2/Johnson%20&%20Johnson.htm
How the Tylenol murders of 1982 changed the way we consume medication | PBS News, accessed August 14, 2025, https://www.pbs.org/newshour/health/tylenol-murders-1982
Chicago Tylenol murders - Wikipedia, accessed August 14, 2025, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicago_Tylenol_murders
Public relations case study: Johnson & Johnson Tylenol crisis - Skogrand PR, accessed August 14, 2025, https://skograndpr.com/2017/02/11/public-relations-case-study-johnson-johnson-tylenol-crisis/
People, politics and poison: the Tylenol® murders revisited forty years later, accessed August 14, 2025, https://publichealth.uic.edu/news-stories/people-politics-and-poison-the-tylenol-murders-revisited-forty-years-later/
When Should a CEO Take Responsibility for BIG Mistakes vs. Finding a "Fall Guy?", accessed August 14, 2025, https://ceocoachinginternational.com/when-should-a-ceo-take-responsibility-for-big-mistakes-vs-finding-a-fall-guy/
The 10 Biggest CEO Failures In History And Insights For Future Leaders, accessed August 14, 2025, https://ceofficialmag.com/biggest-ceo-failures-in-history-and-insights/
Corporate Social Responsibility - Patagonia, accessed August 14, 2025, https://www.patagonia.com/social-responsibility/
Environmental Activism - Patagonia, accessed August 14, 2025, https://www.patagonia.com/activism/
From the Outside In: Corporate Social Responsibility at Patagonia - Auburn's Harbert College of Business, accessed August 14, 2025, https://harbert.auburn.edu/binaries/documents/center-for-ethical-organizational-cultures/cases/patagonia.pdf
Character and Servant Leadership: Ten Characteristics of Caring ..., accessed August 14, 2025, https://www.regent.edu/journal/journal-of-virtues-leadership/character-and-servant-leadership-ten-characteristics-of-effective-caring-leaders/
Why is Servant Leadership Important? | PLNU, accessed August 14, 2025, https://www.pointloma.edu/resources/business-leadership/why-servant-leadership-important
How to Become a Transformational Leader | LSE Executive Education, accessed August 14, 2025, https://www.lse.ac.uk/study-at-lse/executive-education/insights/articles/how-to-become-a-transformational-leader
How Patagonia is embodying a new kind of corporate sustainability - Financial Times, accessed August 14, 2025, https://smurfitkappatransparency.ft.com/article/how-patagonia-embodying-new-kind-corporate-sustainability
The story of Nelson Mandela | CMHR, accessed August 14, 2025, https://humanrights.ca/story/story-nelson-mandela
Nelson Mandela | Death, Facts, Biography, & Apartheid - Britannica, accessed August 14, 2025, https://www.britannica.com/biography/Nelson-Mandela
How Nelson Mandela's Legacy Still Resonates for Youth ..., accessed August 14, 2025, https://www.usip.org/publications/2023/11/how-nelson-mandelas-legacy-still-resonates-youth-movements
'Taking Responsibility for the White Collective': Implicated Subjects ..., accessed August 14, 2025, https://academic.oup.com/ijtj/article/18/1/131/7604305
The Politics of Accountability in Movements for Social Justice ..., accessed August 14, 2025, https://nomas.org/the-politics-of-accountability/
The Role of 'Privileged' Allies in the Struggle for Social Justice - Humanity in Action, accessed August 14, 2025, https://humanityinaction.org/knowledge_detail/jlf-16-the-role-of-privileged-allies-in-the-struggle-for-social-justice/